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The wise old owl sat in an oak. The more he listen,
the less he spoke. The less he spoke, the more he
heard. Why can’t we be like that wise old bird?
I was waiting tables in a noisy lobster restaurant in Maine when a
vacationing Southerner stumped me with a drink order.
I approached the bartender and asked, "Have you ever heard of a drink
called 'Seven Young Blondes'?"
He admitted he'd never heard of it, and grabbed a drink guidebook to
look it up. Unable to find the recipe, he then asked me to go back and
tell the patron that he'd be happy to make the drink if he could list the
ingredients for him.
"Sir," I asked the customer, "can you tell me what's in that drink?"
He looked at me like I was crazy.
"It's wine," he said, pronouncing his words carefully, "Sauvignon blanc."
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A man in Alaska wakes up one morning to find a bear on his roof.
So he looks in the yellow pages and sure enough, there's an ad for "Bear Removers."
He calls the number, and the bear remover says he'll be over in 30 minutes.
The bear remover arrives, and gets out of his van. He's got a ladder, a baseball bat,
a shotgun and a mean old pit bull.
"What are you going to do?" the homeowner asks.
"I'm going to put this ladder up against the roof, then I'm going to go up there and knock
the bear off the roof with this baseball bat. When the bear falls off, the pit bull is trained
to grab his testicles and not let go. The bear will then be subdued enough for me to put
him in the cage in theback of the van."
He hands the shotgun to the homeowner.
"What's the shotgun for?" asks the homeowner.
"If the bear knocks me off the roof, shoot the dog."
SPEEDING IN WYOMING
GOOD : A Laramie , Wyoming policeman had a perfect spot to watch
for speeders, but wasn't getting many. Then he discovered the problem
-- a 12-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign,
which read 'RADAR TRAP AHEAD.' The officer also found the boy had
an accomplice who was down the road with a sign reading 'TIPS' and a
bucket full of money. (And we used to just sell lemonade!)
BETTER : A motorist was mailed a picture of his car speeding through
an automated radar post in Cheyenne, Wyo. A $ 40 speeding ticket was
included. Being cute, he sent the police department a picture of $40.
The police responded with another mailed photo of handcuffs.
BEST : A young woman was pulled over for speeding. A Wyoming State
Trooper walked to her car window, flipping open his ticket book. She said,
"I bet you are going to sell me a ticket to the State Troopers' Ball."
He replied, Wyoming State Troopers don't have balls."
There was a moment of silence. He then closed his book, tipped his hat,
got back in his patrol car and left.
An Old Indian
An old Indian lined up all of his 10 little Indian sons and stood in front of them. He then asked, “Who push port-a-potty over cliff?” Nobody answered him. He then asked again, “Who push port-a-potty over cliff?” Again nobody answered. The old Indian said, “I tell story of Georgie and Georgie father. Georgie chop down cherry tree. Georgie tell truth, Big Georgie no punish.” So the Indian asked again,” Who push port-a-potty over cliff?” To which the littlest Indian replied, “I push port-a-potty over cliff.” The old Indian then shakes and spanks him, for his punishment. When he is done, the little Indian asks, “Georgie tell truth, Georgie no get punish. I tell truth, I get punished. Why you punish, father?” The old Indian replied, “Big Georgie not in cherry tree when it got chopped down!!!”
A Young Woman Went To Her Doctor Complaining Of Pain
A young woman went to her doctor complaining of pain.” Where are you hurting?” asked the doctor.” You have to help me, I hurt all over”, said the woman.” What do you mean, all over?” asked the doctor, “be a little more specific.” The woman touched her right knee with her index finger and yelled, “Ow, that hurts.” Then she touched her left cheek and again yelled, “Ouch! That hurts, too.” Then she touched her right earlobe, “Ow, even THAT hurts”, she cried. The doctor checked her thoughtfully for a moment and told her his diagnosis, “You have a broken finger"
Yes I Am A Geek
More Things to Ponder
Can you cry under water?
If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?
Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?
Why do you have to "put your two cents in"...but it's only a "penny" for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going to?
Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
Why does a round pizza come in a square box?
What did cured ham actually have?
How is it that we put man on the moon before we figured out it would be a good idea to put wheels on luggage?
Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?
If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
Why do people pay to go up tall buildings and then put money in binoculars to look at things on the ground?
How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?
Why do doctors leave the room while you change? They're going to see you naked anyway.
If a 911 operator has a heart attack, whom does he/she call?
Why is "bra" singular and "panties" plural?
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While creating Eva, God promised Adam
his sons & grandsons would find ideal
wives in all corners of the world.
And then God made the earth round.
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