Bob Hope
On his deathbed they asked him where he wanted to be buried. Bob Hope replied:
"Surprise me."
I had forgotten that he lived to be 100, and also didn't realize it has been over 15 years since he died.
BOB HOPE IN HEAVEN
For those of you too young to remember Bob Hope,
ask your grandparents and thanks for the memories.
I HOPE THIS WILL PUT A SMILE ON
YOUR FACE AND IN YOUR HEART.
This is a tribute to a man who DID make a difference
ON TURNING 70 -
"I still chase women, but only downhill."
ON TURNING 80 - "That's the time of your life when even your birthday suit needs pressing."
ON TURNING 90 - "You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
ON TURNING 100 - " I don't feel old. In fact, I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap."
ON GIVING UP HIS EARLY CAREER (BOXING) - "I ruined my hands in the ring. The referee kept stepping on them."
ON GOLF - "Golf is my profession. Show business is just to pay the green fees."
ON PRESIDENTS - "I have performed for 12 presidents but entertained only six."
ON WHY HE CHOSE SHOWBIZ FOR HIS CAREER -
"When I was born, the doctor said to my mother, congratulations, you have an eight pound ham."
ON RECEIVING THE CONGRESSIONAL GOLD MEDAL -
"I feel very humble, but I think I have the strength of character to fight it."
ON HIS FAMILY'S EARLY POVERTY - "Four of us slept in the one bed. When it got cold, mother threw on another brother."
ON HIS SIX BROTHERS - "That's how I learned to dance. Waiting for the bathroom."
IN HIS EARLY FAILURES - "I would not have had anything to eat if it wasn't for the stuff the audience threw at me."
ON GOING TO HEAVEN.
"I have done benefits for ALL religions. I would hate to blow the hereafter on a technicality."
Dear Lord -
Please give me a sense of humor,
Give me the grace to see a joke,
Don't mess with Seniors
The old lady handed her bank card to a bank teller and said, “I would like to withdraw $500.”
The female teller told her, “For withdrawals less than $5,000, please use the ATM.”
The old lady then asked, “Why?”
The teller irritably told her, “These are bank rules. Please leave if there is no other matter. There is a queue behind you.” She then returned the card to the old lady.
The old lady remained silent then she returned the card to the teller and said, “Please help me withdraw all the money I have.”
The teller was astonished when she checked the account balance. She nodded her head, leaned down and said to the old lady, “My apologies Granny, you have $3.5 million in your account and this bank does not have that much cash on hand. Could you make an appointment and come again tomorrow?”
The old lady then asked, “How much am I able to withdraw right now?”
The teller told her, “Any amount up to $300,000”
The old lady then told the teller that she wanted to withdraw $300,000 from her account.
The teller did so quickly and counted it out to the old lady respectfully.
The old lady put $500 in her bag and asked the teller to deposit the balance of $299,500 back into her account
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The Importance of Walking
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ThinkingA wise man once said . . . Nothing. Respect your elders . . . They graduated from school without the internet. I've decided I'm not old . . . I'm 52, plus shipping & handling. Why do I have to press "1" for English? Did America move? We have enough gun control . . . What we need is idiot control. Behind every angry woman stands a man . . . Who has absolutely no idea what he did wrong. Let's stop sending money to other countries . . . And let them hate us for free. Vegetarian: ancient tribal name for the village idiot who can't hunt, fish, or light fires! I look at people and sometimes think . . ."really? That's the sperm that won?" If guns kill people, then pencils misspell words, cars make people drive drunk, and spoons make people fat. My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road. Some things are just better left unsaid . . . And I usually realize that right after I said them. We owe illegals nothing . . . We owe our veterans everything. Camping: Where you spend a small fortune to live like a homeless person. If my body is ever found on a jogging trail, be assured that I was murdered somewhere else and dumped there.
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MURPHY'S OTHER 14 LAWS
1. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
2. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
3. He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
4. A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
5. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
6. Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don't.
7. Nothing is foolproof to a sufficiently talented fool.
8. The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting something right, there's a 90% probability you'll get it wrong.
9. It is said that if you line up all the cars in the world end-to-end, someone from California would be stupid enough to try to pass them.
10. If the shoe fits, get another one just like it.
11. The things that come to those who wait, may be the things left by those who got there first.
12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat all day drinking beer.
13. Flashlight: A case for holding dead batteries.
14 God gave you toes as a device for finding furniture in the dark.
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Araprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence is unexpected. Winston Churchill loved them. Some examples: 1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it. 2. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak. 3. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong. 4. War does not determine who is right - only who is left. 5 Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad. 6. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to tell you why it isn't. 7. To steal ideas from someone is plagiarism. To steal from many is called research. 8. In filling in an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency', notify: I put 'DOCTOR.' 9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you. 10. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they look sexy. 11. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman. 12. A clear conscience is the sign of a bad memory. 13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure. 14. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. Nor is there any future in it. 15. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine. 16. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in your garage makes you a car. 17. Finally: I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now. I am not arguing with you, I am explaining why you are wrong. |
High School.....
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD!, WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME.
SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50+ YEARS AGO.
COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAYBACK THEN?
UPONSEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT.
THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL.
"YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN dID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1957. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY.
THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS,
GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME,
............ "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?" ..........
1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds … only 15 to go.
2. Ate salad for dinner …Mostly croutons & tomatoes ... Really just one big, round crouton covered with tomato sauce ... And cheese... FINE, it was a pizza... I ate a pizza.
3. How to prepare Tofu:
1. Throw it in the trash.
2. Grill some Meat.
4. I just did a week's worth of cardio after walking into a spider web ...
5. I don't mean to brag but… I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes
6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it
7. Kids today don't know how easy they have it... when I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel
8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me
9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented … I forgot where I was going with this
11. I love being older … I learn something new every day … and forget 5 others
12. A thief broke into my house last night … He started searching for money … so I woke up and searched with him
13. I think I'll just put an "Out of Order" sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
Insanity in RETIREMENT...
1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars, and watch them slow down!
2. On all your check stubs, write, 'For Marijuana'!
3. Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.
4. With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
5. Sing along at The Opera.
6. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
7. When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
8. Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'
9. Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter, and ask where the fitting room is.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity:
10. Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles, and yell out, ‘There's no paper in here!’
Now send this e-mail to someone to make them SMILE.
It's called 'therapy'!
Subject: SIGNS
A sign in a Shoe Repair Store in Vancouver:
We will heel you.
We will save your sole.
We will even dye for you.
Sign over a Gynecologist's Office:
"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
In a Podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels.”
On a Septic Tank Truck:
Yesterday's Meals on Wheels
In an Optometrist's Office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for,
You've come to the right place.”
On a Plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed.”
On another Plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:
"Invite us to your next blowout.”
On an Electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts.”
In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”
On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push.”
At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment.”
Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In a Veterinarian's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
At the Electric Company:
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time.
However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.”
In a Restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up.”
In the front yard of a Funeral Home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait.”
At a Propane Filling Station:
"Thank Heaven for little grills.”
In a Chicago Radiator Shop:
"Best place in town to take a leak.”
And the best one for last…;
Sign on the back of another Septic Tank Truck:
"Caution - This Truck is full of Political Promises"
Puns for Educated Minds
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1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi. 2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian. 3. She was only a whisky-maker but he loved her still. 4. A rubber-band pistol was confiscated from a geometry class because it was a weapon of math disruption. 5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery. 6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering. 8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie. 9. A hole has been found in the nudist-camp wall. The police are looking into it. 10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana. 11. Atheism is a non-prophet organisation. 12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: "You stay here; I'll go on a head." 13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me. 14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: "Keep off the Grass." 15. The midget fortune teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large. 16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran. 17. A backward poet writes inverse. 18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism it's your count that votes. 19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion. 20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine. 21. A vulture carrying two dead raccoons boards an airplane. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger." 22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says, "Dam!" 23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly, it sank proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too. 24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive." 25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root-canal? His goal: transcend dental medication. 26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did. |
Jewish Comedians
Some of us miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humour.
Not a single swear word in their comic routines as shown below:
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
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I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
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I've been in love with the same woman for 49 years. If my wife finds out, she'll kill me!
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Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
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My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night.
This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
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The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
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The Doctor called Mrs. Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
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Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:
"See! What did I tell you?"
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Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"
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A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
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A man called his mother in Florida . "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
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A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
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A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his mother he has a part in the play.
She asks, "What part is it?"
The boy says, "I play the part of the Jewish husband."
The mother scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part"
Rain
It was a busy
morning, about 8:30, when an elderly gentleman, probably in his 80s,arrived to have
stitches removed from his thumb. He said he was in a hurry as he had an
appointment at 9:00 am.
I took his vital
signs and had him take a seat, knowing it would be over an hour before someone
would to able to see him. I saw him looking at his watch and decided, since I
was not busy with another patient, I would evaluate his wound. On exam, it was
well healed, so I talked to one of the doctors, got the needed supplies to
remove his sutures and redress his wound.
While taking care of
his wound, I asked him if he had another doctor's appointment this morning, as
he was in such a hurry.
The gentleman told me no, that he needed to go to
the nursing home to eat breakfast with his wife. I inquired as to her
health.
He told me that she had been there
for a while and that she was a victim of Alzheimer's Disease.
As we
talked, I asked if she would be upset if he was a bit late.
He
replied that she no longer knew who he was, that she had not recognized him in
five years now.
I was surprised, and asked him, 'And you still go every
morning, even though she doesn't know who you are?'
He smiled as he
patted my hand and said,
'She doesn't
know me, but I still know who she is.'
I had to hold back
tears as he left, I had goose bumps on my arm, and thought,
'That is
the kind of love I want in my life.'
True love is
neither physical, nor romantic.
True love is an
acceptance of all that is, has been, will be, and will not
be.
With all the jokes
and fun that are in e-mails, sometimes there is one that comes along that has an
important message.. This one I thought I could share with you.
The
happiest people don't necessarily have the best of everything; they just make
the best of everything they have.
I hope you share this with someone you
care about. I just did.
'Life isn't about
how to survive the storm,
But how to dance in the
rain.'
We are all getting
Older
RANDOM THOUGHTS
I didn't make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.
I decided to change calling the bathroom the John and renamed it the Jim.
I feel so much better saying I went to the Jim this morning.
Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven't met yet.
Old age is coming at a really bad time.
When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a
grownup, it feels like a small vacation.
The biggest lie I tell myself is, "I don't need to write that down,
I'll remember it."
I don't have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights." I'm just very wise.
If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would've put them on my knees.
Why do I have to press one for English when you're just gonna transfer
me to someone I can't understand anyway?
Of course I talk to myself; sometimes I need expert advice.
At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering
what I went in there for.
Subject: LEXOPHILIA - WHO ON EARTH DREAMS THESE UP?
Just when you thought that things couldn’t get worse – they did.
· How does Moses make tea? Hebrews it.
· Venison for dinner again? Oh deer!
· A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.
· I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
· Haunted French pancakes give me the crêpes.
· England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
· I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.
· They told me I had type-A blood, but it was a Typo.
· I changed my iPod's name to Titanic. It's syncing now.
· Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
· I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid, but he says he can stop any time.
· I stayed up all night to see where the sun went, and then it dawned on me.
· This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
· When chemists die, they barium.
· I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
· I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
· Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
· I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
· Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
· When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
· Broken pencils are pointless.
· What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary?
A theasaurus.
· I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
· All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen.
The police have nothing to go on.
· I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
· Velcro - what a rip off!
· Don’t worry about old age; it doesn't last.
CLASS OF 1965
HAVE YOU EVER BEEN GUILTY OF LOOKING AT OTHERS YOUR OWN AGE AND THINKING, SURELY I CAN'T LOOK THAT OLD!, WELL... YOU'LL LOVE THIS ONE.
MY NAME IS ALICE SMITH AND I WAS SITTING IN THE WAITING ROOM FOR MY FIRST APPOINTMENT WITH A NEW DENTIST.
I NOTICED HIS DDS DIPLOMA, WHICH BORE HIS FULL NAME. SUDDENLY, I REMEMBERED A TALL, HANDSOME, DARK-HAIRED BOY WITH THE SAME NAME HAD BEEN IN MY HIGH SCHOOL CLASS SOME 50+ YEARS AGO. COULD HE BE THE SAME GUY THAT I HAD A SECRET CRUSH ON, WAY BACK THEN?
UPON SEEING HIM, HOWEVER, I QUICKLY DISCARDED ANY SUCH THOUGHT. THIS BALDING, GRAY-HAIRED MAN WITH THE DEEPLY LINED FACE WAS WAY TOO OLD TO HAVE BEEN MY CLASSMATE.
AFTER HE EXAMINED MY TEETH, I ASKED HIM IF HE HAD ATTENDED MORGAN PARK HIGH SCHOOL . "YES. YES, I DID. I'M A MUSTANG," HE GLEAMED WITH PRIDE.
"WHEN DID YOU GRADUATE?" I ASKED.
HE ANSWERED, "IN 1957. WHY DO YOU ASK?"
"YOU WERE IN MY CLASS!" I EXCLAIMED.
HE LOOKED AT ME CLOSELY. THEN, THAT UGLY, OLD, BALD, WRINKLED, FAT ASS GRAY-HAIRED, DECREPIT SON-OF-A-BITCH ASKED ME, "WHAT DID YOU TEACH?"
Visiting Grandma!
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OLE OLSON, THE NORWEGIAN SALESMAN FROM MINNESOTA
Ole, the smoothest-talking Norske in the Minnesota National
Guard and a natural born salesman, got called up to active duty.
Ole's first assignment was in a military induction center.
Because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of
advising new recruits about government benefits, especially the
GI life insurance, to which they were entitled.
The officer in charge soon noticed that Ole was getting a 99%
sign-up rate for the more expensive supplemental form of GI
insurance. This was remarkable, because it cost these low-income
recruits $30 per month for the higher coverage, compared to what
the government was already providing at no charge. The officer
decided he'd sit in the back of the room at the next briefing and
observe Ole's sales pitch.
Ole stood up before the latest group of inductees and said…"If
you haf da normal GI insurans an' yoo go to Afghanistan an' get
yourself killed, da governmen' pays yer beneficiary $20,000. If
yoo take out da supplemental insurans, vich cost you only t'irty
dollars a mont , den da governmen' got ta pay yer beneficiary
$200,000! Now, Ole concluded, Vich bunch you tink dey gonna send
ta Afghanistan first?”
"KIND-HEARTED NORWEGIAN"
My wife and I walked past a swanky new restaurant last night.
"Did you smell that food?" she asked. "Incredible!"
Being the kind-hearted Norwegian I am,
I thought, "What the heck, I'll treat her!"
Sooo, we walked past it again.
Empathy for a homesick snowbird
I am in Clearwater, FL today.
I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read:
"I miss Chicago."
So I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires, added an Obama bumper sticker and left a note that read, "I hope this helps."
"Lexophiles" describes those who have a love for altering the meaning of similar sounding words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish," or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition is held every year to see who can come up with the best ones.
Here they are, the results of The Lexophile Contest. This year's winning submission is at the very end:
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
.. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
.. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles U.C.L.A.
.. The batteries were given out free of charge.
.. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
.. A will is a dead giveaway.
.. With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
.. A boiled egg is hard to beat.
.. When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
.. Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
.. Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
.. A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
.. When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
.. The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
.. He had a photographic memory which was never developed.
.. When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
.. Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
And the cream of the wretched crop:
.. Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.
When the Street Light Turned Yellow!
The light turned yellow just in front of him. He did the right thing,
stopping at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light
by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating woman was furious and honked her horn, screaming in
frustration, as she missed her chance to get through the
intersection.....dropping her cell phone and makeup.
As she was still in mid-rant, she heard a tap on her window and looked up
into the face of a very serious-looking police officer. The officer ordered
her to exit her car with her hands up.
He took her to the police station where she was searched, fingerprinted,
photographed, and placed in a holding cell.
After a couple of hours, a policeman approached the cell and opened the
door. She was escorted back to the booking desk where the arresting officer
was waiting with her personal effects.
He said, "I'm very sorry for this mistake. You see, I pulled up behind your
car while you were blowing your horn, flipping off the guy in front of you
and cussing a blue streak at him.
I noticed the 'What Would Jesus Do' bumper sticker, the 'Choose Life'
license plate holder, the 'Follow Me to Sunday-School' bumper sticker, and
the chrome-plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk, so naturally....I
assumed you had stolen the car."
Priceless!!!!!
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"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that have a love for words, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best lexophiles is held every year in an undisclosed location. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.
.. When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate. .. When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A. .. A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
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A Nebraska State trooper pulled a car over on I-80 about 2
miles east of I-680. When the trooper asked the driver
why he was speeding, the driver said he was a magician and
juggler and was on his way to Omaha to do a show at the
Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.
The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling
and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him
then he wouldn't give him a ticket.. He told the trooper
he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything
to juggle.
The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked
if he could juggle them. The juggler said he could, so the
trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him.
While the man was juggling the flares, a car pulled in
behind the patrol car. A drunken man got out, watched the
performance, & then went over to the patrol car, opened
the rear door and got in. The trooper observed him and went
over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked him what
he thought he was doing.
He replied, “You might as well take my Butt to jail, cause
there ain't no way I can pass that test.”
Ramblings of a Retired Mind
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So, I'm wearing my garage door opener.
I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.
You know, I spent a fortune on deodorant before I realized that people didn't like me anyway.
I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans!
I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is 'when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.'
I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it 'Pumping Rust'.
I've gotten that dreaded furniture disease. That's when your chest is falling into your drawers!
When people see a cat's litter box, they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?' Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'A Good Doctor'!
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me. They were cramming for their finals.
As for me, I'm just hoping God grades on the curve.
Enjoy Your Days & Love Your Life, Because Life is a journey to be savored.
Gentle Thoughts for Today -
Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then poop on your car.
A penny saved is a government oversight.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
He who hesitates is probably right.
Did you ever notice: The Roman Numerals for forty (40) are XL.
If you can smile when things go wrong, you have someone in mind to blame.
The sole purpose of a child's middle name is so he can tell when he's really in trouble..
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.
Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know 'why' I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.
When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, think of Algebra.
You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.
One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young. Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth!
AMEN
LIGHTEN UP!
Good News
A government survey crew came to Ole's farm one Fall day and asked permission to enter his property. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice meal at lunch time.
The next Spring, the crew returned and told Ole, "Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you this bad news in person instead of by letter."
Ole replied, "What's the bad news?" The surveyors said, "Well, after reviewing our work here, we discovered that your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!"
Ole looked at Lena and replied to the surveyors, "That's the best news I have heard in a long time. I just told Lena this morning that I don't think I can take another winter in Minnesota."
Stopped by Police at 2 AM
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."
~ Here's A Really Good Laugh ~
This is an old video with President Reagan in the front row. He is sitting along side of Speaker of the House, Tip O'Neil, enjoying an evening together at the Ford theater. A very funny act takes place on stage. With all of today's security around any of our Presidents, nothing the performer does here could ever take place now.
turn on speakers then select the link below
Click this link here
A Wisconsin Story
All of his life Ole had heard stories of an amazing family tradition.
It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been
able to walk on water on their 21st birthday.
On that day, they'd walk across the lake to the boat club for their
first legal drink.
So when Ole's 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Corky took a
boat out to the middle of the lake. Ole stepped out of the boat and
nearly drowned! Corky just managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Ole went to see his grandmother. "Grandma, it's
my 21st birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like my father,
his father, and his father before him?"
Granny looked into Ole's eyes and said, "Because, you dumb ass, your
father, grandfather and great grandfather were born in January, you
were born in July."
A Wisconsin story
FABLE OF THE PORCUPINE
It was the coldest winter ever. Many animals died because of the cold.
The porcupines, realizing the situation, decided to group together to keep warm. This way they covered and protected themselves; but the quills of each one wounded their closest companions. After a while, they decided to distance themselves one from the other and they began to die, alone and frozen. So they had to make a choice: either accept the quills of their companions or disappear from the Earth. Wisely, they decided to go back to being together. They learned to live with the little wounds caused by the close relationship with their companions in order to receive the heat that came from the others. This way they were able to survive.
The best relationship is not the one that brings together perfect people, but when each individual learns to live with the imperfections of others and can admire the other person's good qualities.
The moral of the story is: Just learn to live with the Pricks in your life
Today's Short Reading from the Bible
From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient
wives would be found in all corners of the earth."
Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed
and laughed!....
ARAPROSDOKIANS (Winston Churchill loved them) are figures of
speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising
or unexpected; frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you, but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright
until you hear them speak
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
8. They begin the evening news with 'Good Evening,' then proceed to
tell you why it isn't.
9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
is research.
10. Buses stop in bus stations. Trains stop in train stations. On my
desk is a work station.
11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.
12. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of
emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'
13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the
street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.
17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute
to skydive twice.
18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
live with.
19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so
they can't get away.
20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.
21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever
you hit the target.
23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
25. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than
standing in a garage makes you a car.
26. Where there's a will, there are relatives.
Finally:
I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder
for me to find one now.
A good woman can bring balance to your life!
Effects of a Power Outage
Last Thursday we had a power outage and my PC, TV and games console shut down immediately.
It was raining (pouring, actually). I couldn't go to the gym or go play golf, softball, nothing so I sat down and talked to my wife for about an hour and a half.
She seems like a nice person.
Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age. As your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
Phyllis Diller
Housework can't kill you, but why take a chance?
Phyllis Diller
Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the walk before it stops snowing.
Phyllis Diller
A smile is a curve that sets everything straight.
Phyllis Diller
The reason women don't play football is because 11 of them would never wear the same outfit in public.
Phyllis Diller
Best way to get rid of kitchen odors: Eat out.
Phyllis Diller
A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once.
Phyllis Diller
I want my children to have all the things I couldn't afford. Then I want to move in with them.
Phyllis Diller
Most children threaten at times to run away from home. This is the only thing that keeps some parents going.
Phyllis Diller
Aim high, and you won't shoot your foot off.
Phyllis Diller
Any time three New Yorkers get into a cab without an argument, a bank has just been robbed.
Phyllis Diller
We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.
Phyllis Diller
Burt Reynolds once asked me out. I was in his room.
Phyllis Diller
If it weren't for hockey, many kids wouldn't know what a millionaire looked like.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if your walker has an airbag.
Phyllis Diller
I'm eighteen years behind in my ironing.
Phyllis Diller
What I don't like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.
Phyllis Diller
The only time I ever enjoyed ironing was the day I accidentally got gin in the steam iron.
Phyllis Diller
I've been asked to say a couple of words about my husband, Fang. How about short and cheap?
Phyllis Diller
His finest hour lasted a minute and a half.
Phyllis Diller
Old age is when the liver spots show through your gloves.
Phyllis Diller
My photographs don't do me justice - they just look like me.
Phyllis Diller
There's so little money in my bank account, my scenic checks show a ghetto.
Phyllis Diller
I admit, I have a tremendous sex drive. My boyfriend lives forty miles away.
Phyllis Diller
My cooking is so bad my kids thought Thanksgiving was to commemorate Pearl Harbor.
Phyllis Diller
My mother-in-law had a pain beneath her left breast. Turned out to be a trick knee.
Phyllis Diller
Tranquilizers work only if you follow the advice on the bottle - keep away from children.
Phyllis Diller
I asked the waiter, 'Is this milk fresh?' He said, 'Lady, three hours ago it was grass.'
Phyllis Diller
The reason the pro tells you to keep your head down is so you can't see him laughing.
Phyllis Diller
You know you're old if they have discontinued your blood type.
Phyllis Diller
Subject: MINNESOTA QUARTERS ALERT (IMPORTANT)
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Air Show Disaster
*AIRCRAFT HITS FOUR BUILDINGS*
This is tough to see. It just shows the dangers of attending these events.
Amazing photo below shows great detail at the moment of impact.
The pilot at low level had no control over his aircraft.
It narrowly misses a crowd gathered for the air show and slams into four buildings.
One can only imagine the horror of the occupants inside those buildings.
Letter to the Bank
Dear Sirs,
One of my checks was returned marked "insufficient funds".
In view of current developments in the
banking industry, does that refer to me or you?
Actual exchanges between pilots and control towers...
Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"
Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"
**************************
Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement turn right 45 Degrees."
TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we makeup
here?"
Tower: "Sir, have you ever heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"
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A student became lost during a solo cross-country flight. While attempting
to locate the aircraft on radar, ATC asked, "What was your last known
position?"
Student: "When I was number one for takeoff."
************************************************************
A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out
after touching down.
San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of
the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadeloupe exit
off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."
************************************************************
A Pan Am 727 flight, waiting for start clearance in Munich , overheard the
following:
Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"
Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."
Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane , in
Germany . Why must I speak English?"
Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent):
"Because you lost the bloody war!"
*******************************
Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency
124.7"
Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after
we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."
Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact
Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern 702?"
BR Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes,
we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers."
****************************************************
One day the pilot of a Kolb MKIII was told by the tower to hold short of
the active runway while a DC-8 landed. The DC-8 landed, rolled out, turned
around, and taxied back past the Kolb. Some quick-witted comedian in the
DC-8 crew got on the radio and said, "What a cute little plane. Did you make
it all by yourself?"
The Kolb pilot, not about to let the insult go by, came back with a real
zinger: "I made it out of DC-8 parts. Another landing like yours and I'll
have enough parts for another one."
WHY ST. PATRICK'S DAY IS CELEBRATED EACH YEAR IN AMERICA
The reason the Irish celebrate St. Patrick's Day is because this is when St. Patrick drove the Norwegians out of Ireland.
It seems that some centuries ago, many Norwegians came to Ireland to escape the bitterness of the Norwegian winter.
Ireland was having a famine at the time, and food was scarce.
The Norwegians were eating almost all the fish caught in the area, leaving the Irish with nothing to eat but potatoes.
St. Patrick, taking matters into his own hands, as most Irishmen do, decided the Norwegians had to go.
Secretly, he organized the Irish IRATRION (Irish Republican Army to Rid Ireland of Norwegians).
Irish members of IRATRION passed a law in Ireland that prohibited merchants from selling ice boxes or ice to the Norwegians, in hopes that their fish would spoil. This would force the Norwegians to flee to a colder climate where their fish would keep.
Well, the fish spoiled, all right, but the Norwegians, as every one knows today, thrive on spoiled fish.
So, faced with failure, the desperate Irishmen sneaked into the Norwegian fish storage caves in the dead of night and sprinkled the rotten fish with lye, hoping to poison the Norwegian invaders. But, as everyone knows, the Norwegians thought this only added to the flavor of the fish, and they liked it so much they decided to call it "lutefisk", which is Norwegian for "luscious fish."
Matters became even worse for the Irishmen when the Norwegians started taking over the Irish potato crop and making something called "lefse".
Poor St. Patrick was at his wit's end, and finally on March 17th, he blew his top and told all the Norwegians to "GO TO HELL".
So they all got in their boats and emigrated to Minnesota --- the only other paradise on earth where smelly fish, old potatoes and plenty of cold weather can be found in abundance.
Uff da!
Ten Peeves that Dogs Have About Humans
'1'
Blaming your farts on me.....
not funny... not funny at all !!!
'2'
Yelling at me for barking.
I'M A FRIGGIN' DOG
'3'
Taking me for a walk, then
not letting me check stuff out.
Exactly whose walk is this anyway?
'4'
Any trick that involves balancing
food on my nose. Stop it!
'5'
Any haircut that involves bows or ribbons.
Now you know why we chew your stuff
up when you're not home.
'6'
The sleight of hand, fake fetch throw.
You fooled a dog! Whoooo Hoooooooo what
a proud moment for the top of the food chain.
'7'
Taking me to the vet for "the big snip",
then acting surprised when I freak
out every time we go back!
'8'
Getting upset when I sniff the crotches of your guests.
Sorry, but I haven't quite mastered that handshake thing yet.
'9'
Dog sweaters. Hello ???
Haven't you noticed the fur?
'10'
How you act disgusted when I lick myself.
Look, we both know the truth. You're just jealous.
--------------------------------------------------
Now lay off me on some of these things.
We both know who's boss here!
You don't see me picking up your poop do you?
EVERY DOG HAS HIS DAY.
A DOG ALWAYS OFFERS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE.
CATS HAVE TO THINK ABOUT IT!
This is a story of an aging couple told by their son who was President of NBC NEWS.
Uffda!
Test for Dementia
It's that time of year to take our annual senior citizen test.'
Exercise of the brain is as important as exercise of the muscles.
As we grow older, it's important to keep mentally alert.
If you don't use it, you lose it!
Below is a very private way to gauge your loss or non-loss of intelligence.
There are only 5 questions, so don't get all excited and confused yet.
Take the test presented here to determine if you're losing it or not.
The spaces between the question and answers below are there are so you don't see the correct answers until you've made your answer.
OK, relax, clear your mind and begin.
1. What do you put in a toaster?
Answer:
' bread. ' If you said ' toast, ' maybe you should give up now and do something else.
Try not to hurt yourself.
If you said, bread, go to Question 2.
2. Say ' silk ' five times.
Now spell ' silk. '
What do cows drink?
Answer:
Cows drink water.
If you said ' milk,' maybe you shouldn't even attempt to answer the next question.
Your brain is apparently over-stressed and may even overheat.
Content yourself with reading a more appropriate literature such as Auto World.
However, if you said ' water ', proceed to question 3.
3. If a red house is made from red bricks and a blue house is made from blue bricks and a pink house is made from pink bricks and a black house is made from black bricks, what is a green house made from?
Answer:
Greenhouses are made from glass.
If you said ' green bricks, ' why are you still reading these???
If you said ' glass, ' go on to Question 4.
4. It's twenty years ago, and a plane is flying at 20,000 feet over Germany (If you will recall , Germany at the time was politically divided into West Germany and East Germany .)
Anyway, during the flight, TWO engines fail.
The pilot, realizing that the last remaining engine is also failing, decides on a crash landing procedure.
Unfortunately the engine fails before he can do so and the plane fatally crashes smack in the middle of ' no man's land ' between East Germany and West Germany .
Where would you bury the survivors?
East Germany, West Germany, or no man's land'?
Answer: You don't bury survivors.
If you said ANYTHING else, you're in real bad shape and for your own sake you must stop.
If you said,
' You don't bury survivors ', proceed to the next question.
5. Without using a calculator - You are driving a bus from London to Milford Haven in Wales .
In London , 17 people get on the bus;
In Reading , six people get off the bus and nine people get on.
In Swindon , two people get off and four get on.
In Cardiff , 11 people get off and 16 people get on.
In Swansea , three people get off and five people get on
In Carmathen, six people get off and three get on.
You then arrive at Milford Haven.
What was the name of the bus driver?
Answer: Oh, for crying out loud!
Don't you remember your own name?
Or have you forgotten it was YOU driving the BUS!!
NORWEGIAN FIRE DEPARTMENT
One dark night outside a small town in Minnesota , a fire started inside the local chemical plant and in a blink of an eye it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around.
When the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said,
"All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact."
But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to
be called in as the situation became desperate.
As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now
$100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was
the nearby Norwegian rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Norwegians over the age of 65.
To everyone's amazement, that little run-down fire engine roared right past all the
newer sleek engines that were parked outside the plant.
Without even slowing down it drove
straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the
Norwegian old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire fought it back on all
sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before.
Within a short time, the Norske old timers had extinguished the fire and had saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave fire fighters.
The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief,
"What are you going to do with all that
money?"
"Vell," said Ole Larsen, the 70-year-old
fire chief, "Da first thing ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat old truck!"
THOUGHT FOR THE DAY:
I don't want to brag or make anyone jealous or anything,
But I can still fit into the earrings I wore in high school.
Farm kids in Minnesota
You can never underestimate the innovativeness of American Farm Boys:
At a high school in Minnesota, a group of male students played a prank . They let three goats loose inside the school.
But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2 and 4.
School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
And you thought there was nothing to do in Minnesota!
Aging
Problems of The World
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As I was lying in bed pondering the problems of the world, I rapidly realized that I don't really give a rat's hiney. It's the tortoise life for me! 1.. If walking is good for your health, the postman would be immortal. 2.. A whale swims all day, only eats fish, drinks water, and is fat. 3.. A rabbit runs and hops and only lives 15 years. 4.. A tortoise doesn't run and does nothing, yet it lives for 450 years. And you tell me to exercise?? I don't think so. I'm retired. Go around me. God grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference. Now that I'm older here's what I've discovered: 1. I started out with nothing, and I still have most of it. 19. Funny, I don't remember being absent-minded. |
His name was Ole, he was from North Dakota ... And he needed a loan.
So... He walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan Officer.
He told the loan officer that he was going to Paris for an International redneck festival for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.
The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the Redneck handed over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car was parked on the street in front of the bank.
The Redneck produced the title and everything checked out.
The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and
apologized for having to charge 12% interest.
Later, the bank's president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the Redneck from ND for using a $250,000 Ferrari as collateral for a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then drove the Ferrari into the bank's private underground garage and parked it.
Two weeks later, the Redneck returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07.
The loan officer said, "Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled.
While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumni from The University of North Dakota, a highly sophisticated investor and Multi-Millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world.
Your investments include a large number of oil wells around Williston, ND.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The good 'ole boy replied, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?"
This ought to make you feel better about your computer skills!
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
****************************
Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.
****************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: ! OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
****************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
****************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
****************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
****************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
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This one and the next are our personal favorites!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
****************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!
Grins and Snickers
I was in the six item express lane at the store quietly fuming.
Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So which six items would you like to buy?"
(Wouldn't it be great if that happened more often?)
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Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45-minute wait for a table.
"Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes."
They were seated immediately.
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The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would "hate" to have to make a living under the laws they've passed.
Isn’t that the truth!
All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom; the bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand.
The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly.
As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card.
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Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.
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Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?"
Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man."
Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives.."
Al said, "I'd like them to say, 'Look, he's moving!'"
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Smith climbs to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God.
Looking up, he asks the Lord. "God, what does a million years mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A minute."
Smith asks, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?"
The Lord replies, "A penny."
Smith asks, "Can I have a penny?"
The Lord replies, "In a minute."
--------------------------------------------------------
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said.
"Of course, John," his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said.
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
--------------------------------------------------------
A man goes to see the Rabbi. '
"Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it."
The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"
The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me.
The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"
The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me,what should I do?"
The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know."
A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?
The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
There are teachers...... And then there are educators!
A certain private Catholic school was recently faced with a unique problem.. A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine provided it was of a natural or neutral skin tone, but after they put on their lipstick, they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night the maintenance man would remove them; and the next day the girls would put them back. Finally, the principal, Sister Mary, decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian, who had to clean the mirrors every night (you can just imagine the yawns from the little princesses). To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, Sister Mary asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.
Ideal Password
Royal Family Portrait 2012
NEW YARD SIGN
Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to piss us off.
Minnesota Norwegian Donates Blood for an Arab
An Arab Sheik was admitted to Abbott-Northwestern Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arose.
As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.Finally a New London, Minnesota Norwegian was located who had the right blood type.
The Norwegian, whose name was Gene Hanson, willingly donated his blood for the Arab.After the surgery, the Arab sent Gene, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, a pile of diamonds & several million U.S. dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through some corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned Gene who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent Gene a thank-you card and five pounds of lutefisk.Gene was shocked that time the Arab did not reciprocate with a new car, diamonds, and money.
He phoned the Arab & said: "I thought dat you vould be yenerous again, and dat you vould give me anudder BMW, diamonds & money... But you only gave me a tank-you card & some lutefisk."To this the Arab replied: "Ya, but now I haf Norvegian blood in my veins so I gotta tink tvice before I spend."
PONDERISMS
1· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
2· There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
3· Life is sexually transmitted.
4· Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
5· The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.
6· Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
7· Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
8· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
9· All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
10· In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it Normal.
11· How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
12· Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever Comes out'?
13 · If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him?
14· Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are going to look up there anyway?
15· If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?
16· If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
17· Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
18· Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?
19· Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
20· Do you ever wonder why you gave me your email address?
WELCOME TO TPA (Terrorist-Proof Airlines)
TPA is in the safe-flying business!
We can absolutely guarantee no walk-on
GUNS, KNIVES, SHOE-BOMBS, SUICIDE-BELTS
or other weapons will EVER be carried onto our flights!
Book your next flight with TPA
The SAFEST airline in the flying industry
25 Phrases of Wisdom
1. If you're too open minded, your brains will fall out.
2. Age is a very high price to pay for maturity.
3. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more
than going to a garage makes you a mechanic.
4. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
5. If you must choose between two evils, pick the one you've
never tried before.
6. My idea of housework is to sweep the room with a glance.
7. Not one shred of evidence supports the notion that life is serious.
8. It is easier to get forgiveness than permission.
9. For every action, there is an equal and opposite government
program.
10. If you look like your passport picture, you probably need the
trip.
11. Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
12. A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
13. Eat well, stay fit, die anyway.
14. Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
15. No husband has ever been shot while doing the dishes.
16. A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
17. Middle age is when broadness of the mind and narrowness of the waist change places.
18. Opportunities always look bigger going than coming.
19. Junk is something you've kept for years and throw away three weeks before you need it.
20. There is always one more imbecile than you counted on.
21. Experience is a wonderful thing. It enables you to recognize a
mistake when you make it again.
22. By the time you can make ends meet, they move the ends.
23. Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
24. Someone who thinks logically provides a nice contrast to the real
world.
25. Blessed are they who can laugh at themselves for they shall never cease to be amused.
SAME SEX MARRIAGE
New Secret Service Rules
The Secret Service issued new rules of conduct for agents last Friday.
They can no longer get drunk, procure hookers or go to strip bars.
The rules say that from now on, if agents feel compelled to engage
in such behavior, they can run for public office like everyone else.
Did you know?
The following is a little fact for automotive buffs or just to dazzle your friends. The four Goldberg brothers, Lowell, Norman, Hiram, and Max, invented and developed the first automobile air-conditioner.
On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees. The four brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that four gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in the auto industry since the electric starter. Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking lot to their car. They persuaded him to get into the car, which was about 130 degrees, turned on the air conditioner, and it cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very excited and invited them back to the office, where he offered them $3 million for the patent. The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2 million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label, “The Goldberg Air-Conditioner,” on the dashboard of each car in which it was installed.
Now old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic, and there was no way he was going to put the Goldberg's name on two million Fords. They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally agreed on $4 million and that just their first names would be shown. So to this day, all Ford air conditioners show:
Lo, Norm, Hi, and Max on the controls.
HOW TO CALL THE POLICE WHEN YOU'RE OLDER, AND DON'T MOVE FAST ANYMORE
George Phillips, an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"
He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing from me.
Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your doors and an officer will be along when one is available" George said,
"Okay."
He hung up the phone and counted to 30. Then he phoned the police again.
"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I just shot and killed them both, the dogs are eating them right now." and he hung up.
Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips' residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"
George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"
(True Story)
I LOVE IT! Don't mess with old people.
REMEMBER, GROWING OLDER IS MANDATORY. GROWING UP IS OPTIONAL.
Why?
Only in America .......do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America .....do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America .....do banks leave vault doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America ......do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America ..........do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight..
Only in America .....do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
EVER WONDER ...
Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why can't women put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?
Why is 'abbreviated' such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do 'practice'?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
f flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
Bob Hope in Heaven Link
Click on link below this explaination
Take the quick tour - on a great summer day. This is Minneapolis/St Paul in one day, as seen from an 8-hour summer helicopter trip around the Metro area. The super video work was done by Hubbard Broadcasting. This promotional tape was commissioned by Greater Minneapolis St. Paul (GMSP), the new business promotion/expansion organization. One thing GMSP is trying to combat is the normal national reaction to Minnesota weather - icy cold and snowy.
Remember, the real reason we play football in a dome is to keep the mosquitoes from blurring a quarterback's vision.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDH5il6FFiM&feature=player_embedded
Ducks Quack......Eagles Soar
No one can make you serve customers well.....that's because great service is a choice. Harvey Mackay, tells a wonderful story about a cab driver that proved this point.
He was waiting in line for a ride at the airport. When a cab pulled up, the first thing Harvey noticed was that the taxi was polished to a bright shine. Smartly dressed in a white shirt, black tie, and freshly pressed black slacks, the cab driver jumped out and rounded the car to open the back passenger door for Harvey.
He handed my friend a laminated card and said: 'I'm Wally, your driver. While I'm loading your bags in the trunk I'd like you to read my mission statement.'
Taken aback, Harvey read the card. It said: Wally's Mission Statement: To get my customers to their destination in the quickest, safest and cheapest way possible in a friendly environment.
This blew Harvey away. Especially when he noticed that the inside of the cab matched the outside. Spotlessly clean!
As he slid behind the wheel, Wally said, 'Would you like a cup of coffee? I have a thermos of regular and one of decaf.' My friend said jokingly, 'No, I'd prefer a soft drink.' Wally smiled and said, 'No problem I have a cooler up front with regular and Diet Coke, water and orange juice..' Almost stuttering, Harvey said, 'I'll take a Diet Coke.'
Handing him his drink, Wally said, 'If you'd like something to read, I have The Wall Street Journal, Time, Sports Illustrated and USA Today.'
As they were pulling away, Wally handed my friend another laminated card, These are the radio stations I get and the music they play, if you'd like to listen to the radio.'
And as if that weren't enough, Wally told Harvey that he had the air conditioning on and asked if the temperature was comfortable for him. Then he advised Harvey of the best route to his destination for that time of day. He also let him know that he'd be happy to chat and tell him about some of the sights or, if Harvey preferred, to leave him with his own thoughts.
'Tell me, Wally,' my amazed friend asked the driver, 'have you always served customers like this?'
Wally smiled into the rear view mirror. 'No, not always. In fact, it's only been in the last two years. My first five years driving, I spent most of my time complaining like all the rest of the cabbies do. Then I heard the personal growth guru, Wayne Dyer, on the radio one day.
He had just written a book called You'll See It When You Believe It. Dyer said that if you get up in the morning expecting to have a bad day, you'll rarely disappoint yourself. He said, 'Stop complaining!
Differentiate yourself from your competition. Don't be a duck. Be an eagle. Ducks quack and complain. Eagles soar above the crowd.'
'That hit me right between the eyes,' said Wally. 'Dyer was really talking about me. I was always quacking and complaining, so I decided to change my attitude and become an eagle. I looked around at the other cabs and their drivers. The cabs were dirty, the drivers were unfriendly, and the customers were unhappy. So I decided to make some changes. I put in a few at a time. When my customers responded well, I did more.'
'I take it that has paid off for you,' Harvey said.
'It sure has,' Wally replied. 'My first year as an eagle, I doubled my income from the previous year. This year I'll probably quadruple it. You were lucky to get me today. I don't sit at cabstands anymore. My customers call me for appointments on my cell phone or leave a message on my answering machine. If I can't pick them up myself, I get a reliable cabbie friend to do it and I take a piece of the action.'
Wally was phenomenal. He was running a limo service out of a Yellow Cab. I've probably told that story to more than fifty cab drivers over the years, and only two took the idea and ran with it. Whenever I go to their cities, I give them a call. The rest of the drivers quacked like ducks and told me all the reasons they couldn't do any of what I was suggesting.
Wally the Cab Driver made a different choice. He decided to stop quacking like ducks and start soaring like eagles.
How about us? Smile, and the whole world smiles with you...The ball is in our hands! A man reaps what he sows. Let us not become weary in doing good, for at Ducks Quack, Eagles Soar.
Have a nice day, unless you already have other plans. SORROW looks back, WORRY looks around, and FAITH looks UP... "Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass. It's about learning to dance in the rain." And while in the storm, give it to God and let him handle it.
What is the difference between a straight Norwegian and a gay Norwegian??
A straight Norwegian likes Butter!
A gay Norwegian likes Ole!
FOR LAUGHS ONLY-DO NOT TRY THIS AT HOME!!!
Subject: AND THAT'S HOW THE FIGHT STARTED
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift. The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
____________________________________________________________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
____________________________________________________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please. "He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
___________________________________________________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table. I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
__________________________________________________________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
________________________________________________________________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________________________________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible." My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
______________________________________________________________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
____________________________________________________________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
______________________________________________________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment. 'I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
_________________________________________________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
You can't make this stuff up link
CHECK YOUR SHAMPOO BOTTLES:
Check your shampoo bottle label. I don't know WHY I didn't figure this out sooner. It's the shampoo I use in the shower! When I wash my hair, the shampoo runs down my whole body and (duh!) printed very clearly on the shampoo label is this warning: FOR EXTRA VOLUME AND BODY --- No wonder I have been gaining weight!
Well! I have gotten rid of that shampoo and I am going to start using Dawn dish soap instead.
Their label reads: DISSOLVES FAT THAT IS OTHERWISE DIFFICULT TO REMOVE.
Problem Solved.
If I don't answer the phone, I'll be in the shower!
Veterans Day Nov 11th
DEFENDING AMERICA’S HONOR
When in England at a fairly large conference, Colin Powell was asked by the Archbishop of Canterbury if our plans for Iraq were just an example of “empire building” by the President. He answered by saying, “Over the years, the United States has sent many of its fine young men and women into great peril to fight for freedom beyond our borders. The only amount of land we have ever asked for in return is enough to bury those that did not return.”
It became very quiet in the room.
Then there was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break one of the French engineers came back into the room saying “Have you heard the latest dumb stunt your President has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intended to do; bomb them?”
A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: “Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day, they can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?”
Once again, dead silence.
A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, “whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.” He then asked, “Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?”
Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied “Maybe it’s because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn’t have to speak German.”
You could have heard a pin drop.
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
A group of Americans, retired teachers, recently went to France on a tour. Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. “You have been to France before, monsieur?” the customs officer asked sarcastically.
Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. “Then you should know enough to have your passport ready.”
The American said, “The last time I was here, I didn’t have to show it.”
“Impossible! Americans always have to show your passports on arrival in France!”
The American senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained. “Well, when I came ashore at Omaha Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country, I couldn’t find any Frenchmen to show it to.
Some of the Best 'Out of Office' Automatic email Replies
1. I am currently out of the office at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position.
Please be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office.
If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
3. Sorry to have missed you,
But I’m at the doctor’s having my brain and heart removed so I can be promoted to our management team.
4. I will be unable to delete all the emails you send me until I return from vacation.
Please be patient, and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
5. Thank you for your email.
Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
6. The email server is unable to verify your server connection.
Your message has not been delivered. Please restart your computer and try sending again.
7. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system.
You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
8. Hi, I’m thinking about what you’ve just sent me.
Please wait by your PC for my response.
9. I’ve run away to join a different circus.
10. I will be out of the office for the next two weeks for medical reasons.
When I return, please refer to me as ‘Kate’ instead of Dave.
.
